Psalm 84:5-7 (NIV)
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.[d]
7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.
God is only as big as you will allow Him to be. Disbelief
limits the work of the Lord and prevents Him from blessing you. These are the
things I had to remind myself of today as I keep processing everything that
happened on Friday in court. I don`t want to limit the Lord only because I
didn`t see the vivid shift in may favor. When Jesus went to the court, He was
convicted although He was innocent, and although it looked like a complete
failure from the human`s perspective, God had a different plan. God`s plan
involved complete triumph regardless of how the facts looked at that moment.
As believers we have a command from the Lord to
walk by faith and not by sight, and there is nothing else that needs to be
added to that. It truly summons everything that I said above: We make God as
big as we allow Him to be. If we look at the circumstances and believe that the
Lord is a failure just like us, than that`s what we are going to get. If we believe
that regardless of the condition of the circumstances, the Lord is capable and
Mighty to deliver us even if the circumstances tell us the opposite, than He
will be faithful to do just that! This is all I can stand on right now. I cannot please the Lord without faith!
One of the scriptures the Lord showed me right
before the hearing last week was Psalm 84. This is the ultimate test for me:
Would I prefer to spend one day in His courts rather than a thousand years in
the tents of wickedness even if the couse was to loose everything I hoped for?”
10 For
a day in Your courts is better than a thousand. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of
my God Than dwell in the tents of wickedness (Psalm 84:10 NKJV).Would I choose to backslide and blame God for the horrible outcome in the court, or would I stand on His word and continue believing that the last word is after Him, and He hasn`t completed what He started yet.
I know many of you have been waiting impatiently
for the results of my hearing, but they are not what a typical “Hollywood”
outcome that could have been predicted. When I was fasting and praying for
direction for the things to ask from the Lord in the upcoming hearing, I
realized that there is nothing that I should be asking for myself because it
would be selfish and unproductive for the prospect plan of the Lord. So, I
decided to pray that the Lord would use that hearing and the outcome of the
hearing not for the things that I wished had happened, but for whatever
necessary outcome that could produce the change in my husband`s heart. The
truth is, if I asked just for custody for myself and the house, and the refund
of the legal fees, and the whole nine yards, I would have contradicted the goal
of what I was praying for all this time, which is a restoration of my family,
so the Lord could rebuild it on His word and truth. That could only happen if
God could change my heart and my husband`s heart. He`s done a mighty work with
me in the last couple of years, but my husband continues to resist God and
change, so there was no reason for me to pray for the things for myself if I
truly believed in God`s capabilities to save and realign my marriage on His
word. I would tell you even more, the closer I got to the day, the more I
realized that I would potentially lose everything rather than gaining anything.
There was no massive change that took place on
Friday as an outcome other than confirming that custody is shared and the
decision is for good. My husband got the use and possession of the house, which
I gave up for him since I didn`t want to go back there, and I had to drop the
request for legal separation. As of right
now, I am married, leaving separate from my husband, and our daughter is split
between the two houses. This is it. I am stuck with enormous amount of debt
that I would have to repay for my legal fees and the last couple of bills for
my attorney, ongoing current bills that are higher than what I can afford to
pay, and all this my God knows. All these facts look like a complete failure,
but it`s up to me whether I would give in to temptation and take the initiative
into my hands trying to resolve everything myself, or whether I would trust the
Lord to be Big and Mighty to save me from a complete bankruptcy which is what I
face right now.
Only God knows what`s going on in my husband`s
heart, and only He knows what`s necessary to change my circumstances. The
bottom line is, it`s up to me, whether I would trust God and choose to be a “doorkeeper
in the house of my God,” or whether I would go back to living in the “tents of
the wickedness.” We always have that choice to make, and I choose the Lord. I
choose to say that He is not finished yet, and He is going to complete what He
started in His own due time.
I am drained and weary, but that`s not a crime.
Elijah was drained and weary when he lied down and gave up on his work. He
thought of himself as nothing better than his ancestors, and this is how I feel
too. I would be lying if I said I know everything I must do because I don`t. I
feel just like Elijah-- to lay down under the “broom bush: and never wake up
again, but God has a different plan for me just like He had a different plan
for Elijah.
3 Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for
his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there,4 while
he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush,
sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no
better than my ancestors.”5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.
All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” 6 He
looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a
jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. 7 The angel
of the Lord came back a second time
and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for
you.” 8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food,
he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of
God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night (1 Kings 19:3-9
NIV).
I was afraid just like Elijah was afraid for his life. I was afraid for
loosing custody over my daughter when I went to the court because of the
attitude the judge displayed. She didn`t feel like listening to my case, so she
warned if we didn`t settle for what was already in place, she would make sure
she would make a decision against what I fought for. If God was able to strengthen Elijah, I know He
can strengthen me and direct me for the next assignment. God fed Elijah to
nourish his body knowing that he had to make a lengthy trip by foot to mount
Horeb; that was a 40 day trip by foot. When Elijah reached the destination, he
questioned God about his next assignment, and God was able to direct him from
there.
I am in dire need of God`s
"nourishment" because I am drained and tired from these constant spiritual
battles, but I still choose to trust the Lord. Who am I to question the Lord?
God`s word doesn`t return in vain
until it completes what He intends it to complete, so there is no place for me
to question God`s timeline. My thoughts are not like His, and His ways are
higher than mine, so again, I have no right to question what He intends to do
to shift my circumstances.
Looking back at Joseph`s story,
we know that He had two main tests: he went from bad to worse. He first was
sold into slavery by his brothers, underwent a horrible trip to Egypt by foot,
being a slave, than from working hard as a slave, he was unjustly accused by Potiphar`s
wife who wanted to sleep with Joseph, and he ran away from her, so he didn`t
sin against God. As a result, he was sent to jail for many years. Joseph went
from bad (being sold into slavery) to worse (being sent to jail), and through
all that God`s hand was with him even though the outcome didn`t seem fair to
the humans. God`s ways are higher than ours.
My pain is great, my faith is
weak, and my strength is gone, but my God is Mighty to cover it all! This is a
new chapter in my life that`s called: Living One Day In His Courts Rather Than
Thousand Years in the Tents of Wickedness. I choose God, for the better or for
worse!
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