Knowing God Face To Face

Exodus 33:18-23 (NIV)

¹⁸ Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”
¹⁹ And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.
²⁰ But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”
²¹ Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock.
²² When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by.
²³ Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”

Oh, what a glorious display Moses got to experience; he was called a "friend of God", and this is something that I was always hungry for-- is to be called a "friend of God". What could be more inspiring and motivating than living for God and knowing truly Who He is. He is the Almighty Who oversees everything and knows everything.

It is when I read these scriptures of God`s glory that I get encouraged that everything that I go through- this persecution by my husband, his family and his friends, I realize that God is everything that I have that`s worth living for. I was so frustrated when my husband communicated to me that he would wish to reconcile, yet he continues to drive slanderous accusations against me, and when I confronted him with his contradicting message, he only could say that he is putting in legal complaint whatever could possibly give him the better position to win custody regardless of how untrue or dirty that is. It is when I read these scriptures of God`s glory that I realize that interceding and waiting patiently for my husband`s repentance is all worth it because even if it was my sole live`s role before God to bring my husband to the Lord, it would be all worth the pain I go through because that would mean that I completed my mission. I couldn`t even think of faithfully interceding for my husband two months ago because of the pain, anger, and unforgiveness that I had for him. Once I repented in that and I asked the Lord to use me in whatever plan He had for me in my current circumstances, I realized that my husband`s spiritual blindness that binds him is just the same as what I experienced myself before I repented. Sin truly has a powerful grip to drive us into further and further blindness. I know that just like God didn`t give up on me when I was a prodigal, He doesn`t want to give up on my husband because Jesus died for everyone equally.

I get to experience firsthand what Jesus said in Matthew 19:29 (NIV):

²⁹ And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife^[e] or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. ³⁰ But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

I was forced to be separated from my husband, and I am not going back there until God completes His work in him. I literally live behind for now my marriage only to allow God to perform His plan, and I believe that He would bless me "a hundred times as much" in a long run for not compromising with the sin and refusing to live in sin.

I want to see God`s glory like never before, and if it means that I go through these horrible trials, then be it because I`ve seen God at work, and I know Him too well to thank Him for finishing what He already started.

If you feel discouraged today, just look at my life: my womanhood was shattered, my self-esteem damaged to no end, my house was taken away from me, I am in a constant battle for my daughter, my husband abandoned me, he humiliated me to no end, left me without money and continues to drive me into further and further financial debt retaining expensive attorneys to match him in the custody battle, yet God`s hand has been on this all along. He continues to protect me every step of the way, never giving me more than what I can handle for each day. It only makes me stronger spiritually, and I truly believe that He would use my story to bring other to know Him. I can attest to you that God is the only One who could deliver me out of my trials. The last word is always after Him regardless of how good of attorneys I`ve hired.

I continue to seek His face, and I want to be like those Believing Giants (David, Moses, Isaiah, Jeremiah) who trusted the Lord and consecrated their lives completely to Him. I gave up my life to the Lord completely, and I know that He is faithful to His word.

²⁴ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life^[f] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. (Matthew 16:24-25 NIV)

I am loosing my life for myself because I know that I would save it in a long run. How about you? Are you living for God or for yourself. Maybe it`s time you looked at your life and validated what is truly most important thing that you live for that drives your actions?

"Unequally Yoked" Equals Getting Duped

Jeremiah 9: 24 (NKJV)

²⁴ But let him who glories glory in this, that he understands and knows Me,  That I am the LORD, exercising lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth.For in these I delight,” says the LORD. 

I know it`s been awhile since I wrote last post, and a lot of things took place during this month. My husband filed for emergency custody hearing, regular custody, requested child support payment from me as a complementary to custody request (although right now we have a split custody for our interim order), and reiterated that he would like to continue to live separate for now (until indefinite period of time), but with that asking me whether I would be willing to get back together. I had to hire a really good domestic attorney, and God had a miracle with that also. My attorney requested three times less money then initially discussed, so that was a huge break for me during all this stress.

God`s hand was on me during the emergency custody hearing, and I was able to negotiate equal time with my daughter, so now me and my husband have split/joint custody as an interim court order when before that he was the one alienating our daughter from me (hence having de facto custody).

The reason why I`m using this verse, which is something that God showed me yesterday, is because during all my trials that I go through, I realized one big factor: I am afraid to use God as my shield and resource when discussing my help. In my mind I thought that I shouldn`t bring God into equation when discussing my possible outcome because I don`t know what God`s will is in terms of the court outcome for custody, use and possession of my house, etc. I realized that my only Help comes from the Lord, and if I don`t boast that He is my help and assurance in all this, then I leave room to doubt: as to who would be the one fighting for me. Although I did hire a superb lawyer, top notch, but it would not be her who would deliver the win for me, but only God has it in His hands, and I must continue to remind that to myself. I had to pray for this courage to be able to say these words:  that God is my strength, that I choose to glorify Him and to live for Him.

It`s so much easier to say that on the email to my husband or to my friend then in a written statement as a statement for the court. I feel like my tongue cleaves to my throat when I have to state that one of the major reasons of fighting not only my husband`s betrayal with pornography, strip clubs, financial, emotional, physical abandonment, etc., but the core issue is us pulling in different directions under the "yoke" because I choose to live for the Lord, and he chooses to live for himself. Although he claims to be a christian, but he doesn`t profess that with his actions, and hence, I am left to pray for him that Lord would use our circumstances to bring him to this place of brokenness to have a contrite heart in order to repent.

Paul said in 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NKJV):

¹⁴ Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

I know that I led myself to believe that since me and my husband been going to the christian pre-marital counseling, and he started going to the church with me, he change somewhat, but he never truly committed his life to God, and I voluntarily chose not to see/believe that.

Now that I have daughter who is being pulled between us, all I can find myself to pray for is for our marriage to be reconciled for her sake, so she could have a normal family where God is in the center. I never thought that going through this horrible betrayal and endless amounts of trials, I would be able to bring my heart to intercede for my husband to soften his heart and to hearken to the Lord.

I know that I duped myself when I "unequally yoked" with my husband in marriage where God was not in the center, and I know that a lot of my current issues stem from that, but with that I know that although I made these mistakes, God is using them for the better. I know that even if all these problems all it took to bring my husband to the Lord once and for all, that would mean that my life is not lived in vain and going through these trials is not in vain. Just like God, when he saw the prodigal son ran towards him and started to hug and cry rejoicing, I know God would be happy when He sees my husband repenting and reconciling with his family. 

This scripture is one of the personal verses that God shared with me when all the problems started to heap up in the past few months in  Ezekiel 3:8 (NKJV)

⁸ Behold, I have made your face strong against their faces, and your forehead strong against their foreheads.

Malachi 2:15-16 (NKJV)

¹⁵ But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit,  and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.  ¹⁶“ For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the LORD of hosts. 

I believe that so long as I am faithful to His word and will honor it, He will be faithful to fulfil His part and do a miracle to reconcile my marriage; rebuild it from scratch. Again, to attorneys I look foolish based on the layout of facts to my favor to divorce my husband and get all sorts of financial help from him, but I choose to live for the Lord and be obedient to His word, and so I`d rather look foolish in the eyes of the world rather then loose favor in the eyes of the Lord. Because I know for a fact that so long as I follow His word and continue to obey it, He would continue to protect me!

I was encouraged by Oswald Chambers who said:

As servants of God, we must learn to make room for Him-to give God “elbow room.” We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as He chooses. Would we be surprised if God came into our meeting or into our preaching in a way we had never expected Him to come? Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way. No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, yet God never works in any other way.

I kept telling myself that I would have to wait for the court hearing or after I filed for a legal separation or pendante lite hearing for God to show His strength, but that`s not really the case. He will move at the right time in a surprising unpredictable way, and I just need to keep that in mind. I continue to pray for my husband, and I know that God is faithful to bring him down to his knees and soften his heart.

Right now I am just waiting for the counter-complaint filing and for the next scheduled hearing (custody scheduled conference) where the next steps of the process would be outlined. It`s a very tough going, and I am hurt to no end taking this kind of abandonment from my husband, but I know that if it`s something that God would use to bring him to Him once and for all, than it`s all worth it.

Please continue to pray for me and know that if you are in situation where you consider marrying an unbeliever, DON`T because you would be duped. No one is able to equally be yoked when living for a different purpose in life because you would continue to pull in different directions and you would feel constant void just like it happened to me.

"Don`t Fall From Your Secure Position"

2 Peter 3:17-18 (NIV)

¹⁷ Therefore, dear friends, since you have been forewarned, be on your guard so that you may not be carried away by the error of the lawless and fall from your secure position. ¹⁸ But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.

Those who rely on God, could never "fall from their secure position", and this was a tremendous encouragement for me. This is the promise that I have from God that as long as I continue to seek His face, His will, He will keep me in His safe place in position of a winner. This scripture God showed me today as a direction because I feel like I`m starting to slip and get too wrapped up with attorneys` advising. There is nothing more important then waiting upon the Lord and making sure I don`t do anything without His guidence and His will because it`s His battle and not mine. Once I think about that, I realize that God already won, and it`s just a matter of time before all pieces would fall into their own places. I have been busy getting my daughter back, and I did, obtaining all sourts of legal information to resolve all my doubts in regards to my custody battle with my husband. I don`t know when an action for custody would be filed, and if it would be filed at all, but I pray that something happens before that, so I don`t have to spend outrageous amount of money on that because it`s a very expensive path leading to divorce.

It`s very hard to wait and wait and wait, yet this is exactly what God`s been telling me to do. All the decisions that I make are guided by the request to wait for the right time. It`s been excrutiatingly painful to do that especially when I had to wait for my daughter in order to get her back, but God is faithful, and He will always be. I only pray that I don`t get tempted by the advice of the wicked because at times it seems too aluring to do just that.


The message from Oswald Chambers was especially important for me today:

There are times when you can’t understand why you cannot do what you want to do. When God brings a time of waiting, and appears to be unresponsive, don’t fill it with busyness, just wait. The time of waiting may come to teach you the meaning of sanctification— to be set apart from sin and made holy— or it may come after the process of sanctification has begun to teach you what service means. Never run before God gives you His direction. If you have the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt— wait.

God told me so many times in the past couple of months to "Wait" when I didn`t know a certain answer or the right thing to do, and I couldn`t just sit still. I had to fill my day with "business" of searching for an answer which I couldn`t find anyway because God already told me to wait. It`s too easy for us to get wrapped around our own emotions and do something impulsive instead of taking a step back to Wait for what God would do next.

Another important aspect of this waiting period is doubt. When in doubt--WAIT, and God would show the right way. He gave me the scripture from James:

⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.  (James 1:6-8 NIV)

I am like a "double-minded" person who continues to question everything instead of trusting the Lord and waiting for the right time to take the next step. I adopted it as a rule for myself especially now: if I don`t have a clear picture as to what to do next, I wait and stop doubting. It`s hard not to doubt all possible scenarious of outcomes, but I only need to continue to tell myself that God is in control, and He promised to deliver His children out of the hand of the enemy. He promised and He will deliver!

The main direction that God is giving me is to be vigilant and wait for now. I was debating whether to file for custody right away, but with my huband taking away my car, I don`t reallly have money for that, so in a way it was an asnwer from God. My husband requested I exchange our daughter for his car, and I never thought I would live to see him using car as a ransome for our daughter. In a way it`s a goood prove for the court of the kind of a father he is-- not taking into account any well being of our daughter, but on the other hand, it is very sad for me to see that a man whom I thought I knew for the past 8 years, turned out to be a completely unpredictable stranger.  I continue to pray for him, and I thank God for this separation which was legally reinforced because I wouldn`t haven been able to pray for him if I had to put up with his nastiness every day at home.

Yet again, God`s proven to turn everything for the better and using every piece of circumstance for His glory. Although I would have to buy a different car for myself and spend money on that, but I`m sure that even with that He would provide me with the best affordable deal.

In short, my update is: I got my daughter back, I have my own place now, and I`m working out babysitting schedule with my mom, so she would travel to stay with my daughter while I`m at work during the day. My daughter is feeling better because when I picked her up from my husband, she was very sick, and she is coming around more after all the stress she is going through. I`m waiting to hear back from God as to what to do next in terms of custody filing or other legal arrangements reinforcing my husband`s visitation of our daughter while she continues to live with me. Until I have that legal arrangement in place, I cannot risk allowing my husband to see our daughter, so he doesn`t snatch her away and keep her from seeing me like he`s been doing it in the past couple of months.

If you have any doubts if God is alive, then take a look at my circumstances, and know that if it wouldn`t be for God`s endless miracles, I would have never survived what I`m going through or could possibly have all my needs met. God is Good all the time, and I hope that by looking at my life, you would be able to examine yours and think whether it`s worth living for yourself because I found out for myself that it`s not. It`s only empty, futile, and in the end doesn`t fulfill that search in heart because only God can quench that thirst as we were created to have that glorious relationship with Him from the very beginning of the human creation.