When Doubts Creep In

2 Corinthians 10:12, 17-18 (NIV)

¹² We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.
¹⁷ But, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”^[b]
18 For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

I know, when you read the Header, you wouldn`t think of this scripture as a first hand verses that would come to your mind, yet this is something that God showed me today. When I read these sverses in 2 Corinthians, I realized that one of the reasons doubts creeps in and limit God`s work is when we compare the outcome with our own desires or expect our works to be known.

I`ll explain that in details.

When I do something for God, I shouldn`t expect to get rewarded because it would mean that I boast about my works rather than staying humble, and this is something that prevents God from blessing me. If I vow to live for the Lord, and desire to do everything for His glory, then there should be no room for boasting or even a hint of self-praise, yet this is something that each one of us struggle with- it`s called pride. The poisonous word, the poisonous actions that defile us in God`s presence and separate us from Him and His blessings.

This is exactly what destroyed the first humans on our planet: Adam and Eve wanted to be like God. The doubts started to creep in their minds when Satan (in the Garden of Eden) showed up to Eve and promised that the day she eats of the forbidden fruit, she would become like God, and her head started to spin because she started to doubt God`s word. Pride took over, and she gave in to the lust of her flesh.

What a vivid depiction Paul brought up in Galatians 5 our nature to boast and to self-promote causes destroying each other. It all stems from unbelief; our unbelief from going unnoticed. In our hearts, we tend to ask God: "did you see what I did? Did you see how I sacrificed myself to promote Your word? Did You see what I did to start the reconciliation? Did You see, God, what I sacrificed only, so my husband could start going to my church again?" The list is endless because our flesh is weak and always desires things that are nonspiritual, and so they battle day and night.

¹⁵ If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. ¹⁶ So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷ For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever^[c] you want. ¹⁸ But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law (Galatians 5:15-18 NIV)

Self-promotion and comparison tends to destroy the other person because we tend to go to the extent of degrading and humiliating the other party only to look better ourselves. It all stems from unbelief, distrust in the Lord, and pride. Lack of faith undermines the work of the Spirit in our hearts.

This is another factor that prevents us from receiving God`s blessings: measuring ourselves against the others promotes doubt, helplessness, and lack of faith. This is not what God has in store for His children. The number one thing God commends us to do is to surrender to Him and to His will. The second important thing we, as believers, have to do is stop comparing ourselves to the others, and the latter is only possible when we die to ourselves (a.k.a. to the desires of our flesh).

This is why Jesus brought up this parable of the laborers in Matthew 20: 1-16 (NIV):

“For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. ² He agreed to pay them a denarius^[a] for the day and sent them into his vineyard. ³ “About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. ⁴ He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ ⁵ So they went. “He went out again about noon and about three in the afternoon and did the same thing. ⁶ About five in the afternoon he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’⁷ “‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered. “He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.’ ⁸ “When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’ ⁹ “The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius. ¹⁰ So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. ¹¹ When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. ¹² ‘These who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’ ¹³ “But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? ¹⁴ Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. ¹⁵ Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’ ¹⁶ “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

It amazes me how true it is of us, as humans, to tend to compare ourselves against the others and always think that the grass is greener on the other side. If we see that someone gets a better wage or a feedback, we tend to complaint to God for all the work we do that goes unnoticed, and God replies in return by saying: “Wait My son/My daughter, I am not finished with you yet, I`m giving you heart like Mine”. We all have the same wage from God that we agreed to work for: His grace and mercy, Jesus` shed blood on the cross for you and me, so we could have eternal life. Yet, somewhere along the way, while we labor for God, we forget the cost that`s paid to us- His love for us, and we start complaining if we see someone getting a bit more love than us, a bit more mercy than us, a bit more grace than us, and God replies to us by saying: “I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? ¹⁴ Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you (verses 13-14).

Jesus was so loving that He said: “I am not being unfair to you, friend”- God calls us His friends, and we spit in His face in return. We complain like the Israelites did in the desert: we want more food, we want more water, we want more treasure, we want more possessions, we want a better house, we want to be noticed at the church, we want, we want, we want……….

Stop already you and me!

Shouldn`t we rather boast about God`s work in our lives instead of seeking comparing our reward with someone else? Guess what, my reward is the same as yours- eternal life with God if only I finish my race to the end and will follow the Lord. I`ve proven to be unreliable in that, how about you? I`ve been a backslider so many times, that I would be a really happy camper if I would finish my race to the end and inherit my Father`s Kingdom.

You would think why I would bring all this up. It`s simple- I wanted to share my weakness, so God`s strength could make up for that. He knows my heart, He knows that I hunger to fulfill His will, but I am weak; my flesh is weak and desires what`s contrary to the Spirit.

I met with my husband a week ago for our marital counseling with our pastor (neutral church that I`ve been telling you about), and our meeting ended up with my husband crying because he felt insulted and didn`t want to take that in anymore. Mind you, that wasn`t tears of brokenness, that was tears of pride, yet I`ve never seen him crying before, so I broke myself. I went after him and asked that we talk. We went to the car and sat there while I apologized for saying harsh things to him. In return he told me he didn`t know what to do to reconcile. I could tell him a list of things that he could do to make up for what he`s done to me or what would get me to tick to turn to him once again, but I held my tongue, and instead, I asked him if he wanted to have lunch with me.
 

So we went to have lunch, and I chose to be gracious thinking that we both have the same pay- God`s grace and love for each one of us that Jesus bled on the cross. Instead of boasting about myself and what I did, I chose to let God have the room and all attention. As me and my husband spoke, I`ve noticed something different about him- his face was changed. For a short period of time that rigidness and harshness was gone, and he was willing to negotiate and discuss our pending litigation and personal issues. We came to 3 major agreements, and I was faced with a bomb to the end – the 4-Th uncompromising issue that my husband asked me about: “How about my friends? I already made a decision that I would never give them up for you, and if you don`t want to live with that, than we will go our separate ways”, he said. What do you do when someone tells you straight in the face that his friends mean more than you, more than your marriage, more than your family? The reason why my husband`s friends have been such a huge issue due to many reasons (inappropriate behavior, their influence on my husband with drunkenness, their endless humiliation of me, etc.)

As I instantly refused to budge on that issue of his friends, we drove back to the church where I left my car. As we were on the way there, I had a choice to make: whether to die to myself and to serve the Lord or whether to give in to my own demands; I got an idea. I turned to my husband, and I asked him whether he would be willing to start going to the church with me (Calvary) and participate in all their services, ministries, etc. in return for him keeping some of his questionable friends. There was a moment of silence that followed by his agreement to do what I proposed as a compromise. I put my stakes in God`s word when I told myself that if my husband started going to the church where the truth of the Word is taught, it would produce the change and repentance because God is faithful to finish what He started.

Then the doubts started to creep in: would my sacrifice go unnoticed, would my husband not pay at all for what he`s done to me and to our family, would it all turn for the better now and there would be no punishment or consequences for him? Jesus in return turns to me and replies: “MY friend, didn`t you agree to have the same pay as he did?” My husband deserves the same grace and mercy as I do regardless of what he`s done.

After last Sunday I and my husband met up twice: once for coffee and once for dinner (we had our fifth wedding anniversary on Saturday), and during neither one of the meetings, I heard my husband thanking me for taking this first step once again. I had to bow lower, so it could enable him to start the reconciliation. As I rebel on some days and question God about my husband`s "payment", God reminds me that I was spared from penance, and so he deserves that too. I know that God is faithful to work with my husband`s heart because only God knows what`s in his heart, but I still face the court in June because I didn`t finalize closing the case yet.
 

These scriptures are another reminder for me to boast about the Lord rather than about my works, to thank Jesus for the pay that I get, which should be sufficient enough for me and remember that everyone else doesn`t deserves the pay that we get: God`s love for us manifested through Jesus` sacrifice on the cross.

I urge you today to reconsider if you boast about your works or feel bitter about going unnoticed because God sees it all, and He will reward those who trust in Him to the end. You agreed to the same pay as I did- to get His love, mercy, and grace, so we wouldn`t die but have eternal life, and we should live like that.

I know that God is doing the impossible miracle in my marriage although we don`t deserve that, so I will boast about that- about God`s work to do the impossible. I urge you to do the same. Don`t leave room for pride, self-doubt, and lack of faith because that`s what you gonna get when you compare yourself to the works of another or lack thereof. God seeks each heart, and He is faithful to wrap us in His arms to overflow His love to those of us who give it all. Don`t hold anything back, but give it all, and the next time you have doubts creeping in, please know that you have the power to stop them. You have God`s word to combat them with, and for that you have to dwell in His word as much as you can.

Everything Has Its Time

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NKJV)

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:

² A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
⁴ A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
⁵ A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
⁶ A time to gain, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
⁷ A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
⁸ A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

God never fails to answer when we seek Him with all our heart. As I was praying yesterday and questioning whether I did the right thing by agreeing to meet with my husband on Sunday morning to see my daughter at the playground, God gave me this scripture. I was questioning whether I should agree to see my husband prior to the trial for short meetings like this or refrain from them.

I forgot it was Mother`s Day on Sunday, and growing up in Europe, I am not used to celebrating Mother`s Day or Father`s Day, so I don`t really pay attention to those dates; especially now that my family is separated. On Sunday morning I received a text message from my husband asking me whether I wanted to come to the playground where he was taking our daughter, and I got all excited to see my daughter thinking maybe for once my husband would want to spend extended period of time as a "family" together with her, so our daughter could see both parents at the same time, so I agreed to come. This week was my husband`s time with our daughter, so naturally I wanted to see her with every opportunity I got. The one question I forgot to ask him was about his plans regarding the length of time he was planning to spend at the playground with our daughter and what were his plans beyond that for a day.

As I started driving to the playground, I realized it was Sunday; I also remembered that his church service started at 11am, and the time was already after 9:30 am when I started driving. The doubts started creeping into my mind immediately questioning whether I should have agreed to come with the upcoming pending trial, or whether I should have refrained from this meeting. I gave it into God`s hands, and I prayed that if this was His will that we spent the time together, than it would be extended period of time.

As I got to the playground, my daughter was ecstatic to see me, and immediately she didn`t want anything to do with my husband because she only doesn`t mind to see him when I am around, and when she has to go with him rather than with me, she gets very upset and starts weeping trying to break away from him; it`s a heart retching thing to go through every time he has to pick her up, and on Sunday this is something I was afraid of would happen especially if it turned out for me to see her for only a short period of time. I put my doubts aside and trusted in the Lord to show me what would be the outcome.

As I started to play with my daughter, I asked my husband what was his plan for the time period at the playground and beyond that for a day. He answered exactly what I was afraid of to hear; he said that he was planning on leaving in about 20 minutes to go to the church, after that letting our daughter nap, and after that he was planning on taking her to another park by our house. With that, he congratulated me with Mother`s Day and offered whether I wanted to join them in the afternoon at the other park when he would take her there after her nap.

Everything dropped inside me as I knew that my daughter would be very upset to be taken away from me in about 20 minutes, but I also knew that I had no choice, so I played out as much as I could to lead my daughter to my husband`s car regardless of her weeping and refusing to go with him. As my husband forced our daughter into the car seat against her will and against her attempt to break free from him, I told him my concern about her reaction, and he snapped at me by saying that he would not call me again to invite me to come along on their walks.

I didn`t care about him treating me like a dog by throwing me a small bone to see my daughter just for a glimpse period of time, but I cared about her being so upset and with him not carrying to react to her being so heartbroken to be torn apart like that between the two parents.

As I walked away trying to control my tears, I started to pray. I was thanking the Lord for answering me with this clear message: "There is time for everything, and right now your time is to refrain from him and the "opportunity" to meet together.”

As I looked at Ecclesiastes 3, my heart stopped, but I knew better than that to be obedient to God. I only thanked Him for doing this work in my heart getting me to the point of seeking the reconciliation with my husband and being willing to move on with our family putting aside all the wrong we did to each other. As I`m facing the upcoming hearing, I know that God preserves His time for everything: there is time for embrace, and there is time to refrain from embrace, and my time is to refrain from embrace right now. There is time for war and there is time for peace, and my time is for war right now, but there will be time for peace soon.

It is amazing to me how clear God steers those who truly seek Him. It all boils down to one thing: do we seek His will our one`s own? I`ve tested it so many times that when I seek my own will, God doesn`t hinder me, but He allows that opportunity to explore and make mistakes (very costly mistakes mind you), but when I seek His will, He is more than eager to steer me into the right direction and provide the necessary guidance for particular situation, and He`s done it down to the meticulous details.

He promised in Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV):

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

This promise is amazing; our God is such gentlemen- He never imposes on us, but He always gives us a choice. If I seek Him with my whole heart, I will find Him; that means that I plunge into His arms completely; I am His. God`s plans are always for the better, and He confirmed it for us in both Testaments: Old and New promise the same thing: that God`s plans are only for the better to those who seek Him and love Him (Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28 aside from the other scriptures).

I know that God`s plan is to restore my family, but I have to know how to discern each season, so I could be obedient and productive for Him. I have to be able to tell "no, not now" regardless of how tempting it may seem to give in now. This is why my negotiations in the court never worked. Every time, I was faced with temptation to give in and compromise just to get what I want now, it didn`t work out; every time I had to find a way to say "no, not now" because I knew that was not the right. Every time my husband attempted to tie me legally by the court binding order to dictate me what to do, God disallowed him to do that; God`s hand was there for me every single time to preserve me and protect me not to fall into the hands of an enemy.

It`s very important that we learn to discern the right seasons because when we don`t, we make costly mistakes, and I made one again on Sunday when I agreed to come to the playground instead of asking prior to showing up at the place about the length of time my husband planned on spending there with our daughter and regarding my husband`s intentions for that day.

Are you making the right decisions and know how to discern the seasons to allow God enough room to do what He needs in your life? It`s important that we cooperate with God instead of becoming a hindrance, and we can do that only by seeking Him with one`s whole heart. I continue to seek His guidance, so He could direct my path and show me what to do at the upcoming court appointed mediation session because it`s no time for compromising right now. My season is to seek the Lord and wait, but I know there will come the day when it would be the time for peace, time for embrace, time for joy, time for dance, time for love, time for healing, time for building up. God is faithful to finish what He started!

"Put My Tears Into Your Bottle"

Psalm 56:8-11 (NKJV)

⁸ You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book? ⁹ When I cry out to You, then my enemies will turn back; this I know, because God is for me.

¹⁰ In God (I will praise His word), in the Lord (I will praise His word),
¹¹ In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

When I read Psalm 56, I get overwhelmed by the love of God to me. How amazing it is to see Him paying such close attention to me that He knows every tear I drop, and sometimes I feel like once He filled up His jars with my tears, He recycles them right back as rain; we`ve been having lots of rain lately……. where I live. I feel like He could never have enough jars to contain all the tears I`ve shed in the past eight years, and especially in the past two years.

What a marvelous promise it is from God that He pushes back my enemies when I cry out to Him, and this is how I know that He is with me. David knew the importance of having trust in the Lord, and so do I. There is no one or nothing that I could entrust myself completely with other than my Lord.

My husband took my life and turned it inside out for public; he took out all my secrets and marred me by his twisted lies, but I have this promise from God that no man can do me any harm when my Lord is for me. He is my comfort, He is my deliverer, He is my strong tower, He is my shelter, He is my provider, He is my peace, He is my protection, He is my banner, He is my healer, He is my salvation; what`s more could I ask for?

My husband always tells our daughter: “Remember, the rule: No crying around daddy”. It makes me sick every time I hear him tell her that. How wrong it is of him to make her heart like stone, motionless, holding all the pain and stress she goes through at her toddler age all to herself. How cruel it is to tell her that. Our heavenly Father is a total opposite of that- He tells us He stores all our tears in His jar and records them in His scrolls because they are so precious and important to Him. He knows what it`s like to be rejected; He knows what it`s like to be unloved when He loves unconditionally; our God knows how to forgive the unforgiving.

As I ponder on the scriptures and work my way through the book of Job before my upcoming hearing, I am encouraged to know that God provides the victory to those who trust in Him, and this is how others find out that He is God- when He stands for His own. I am waiting to see this clear line when the unbelievers and all my husband`s friends who badmouth me for my faith and call me crazy will see this difference in the God`s court.

I will not be afraid of men because they are ashes like me, and only God can serve the justice. David knew that very well, and he reminded us of God`s faithfulness in all of his psalms when we see how God delivered David out of the hand of his enemies; every single enemy that sought his life was defeated. That`s the God I believe in. I trust in my God being a holy warrior, a mighty warrior, and He fights for me just like He fought for David.

²⁶ I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. ²⁸ Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God. (Ezekiel 36:26-28 NIV)

God stands and collects every tear I drop, so He could comfort me and let me know that it`s normal to be human, it`s normal to have a heart of flesh rather than a heart of stone because the heart of flesh can feel and discern; the heart of flesh can be attentive to the Holy Spirit and could be conformed into the Father`s image. For the longest time I kept my tears to myself until I thought I would become a stone pillar: gracious and beautiful yet motionless and heartless, and then God showed me that I could bring my tears to His feet and take comfort in His love. That`s the God I believe in- my loving Father Who always hears me and Who is always there for me.

If you feel like you have no right to cry, I urge you to read David`s psalms and see how much he wept at the feet of the Lord to deliver him out of the hands of his enemies. David was a man, and he didn`t lose his manhood by being authentic and honest with God; he only gained credibility with God because our Father knew David`s heart.

I urge you don`t be like my husband who disallows our daughter to cry but know that every tear you drop, our Father collects it in His precious jar and stores it because He cares this much for you and me. He cares so much that He sent Jesus for each precious life to die on the cross, so we could have this relationship with Him. I am grateful to have such a gracious and merciful Father Who loves me for who I am, and He never gives up on me, but He continues to change me.

How Much Is Enough?

Job 2:9-10 (NIV)

⁹ His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”

¹⁰ He replied, “You are talking like a foolish^[b] woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

 Can we only take good from God and not trouble? I keep reminding myself of this scripture as I started reading the book of Job again. Job was a righteous man who was obedient to God in everything he ever did, and Satan decided to test him, so God allowed Satan to take away everything from Job except for his own life (Job 1-2). Satan took away all Job`s wealth as he was a very prosperous man, took away his ten children, and took away his health by striking him with the worst form of leprosy. Throughout these problems that happened one right after another, Job stayed faithful to God.

My pastor always asks me this question: How much is enough? Every time I know the answer and I recite it off the top of my head: “It`s never enough until God finishes what He started”. Every time I know the answer in the deep of my heart, but it doesn`t makes it any easier to endure these horrible trials.

Wasn`t it enough for Stephen to be stoned; wasn’t it enough for Paul to be tortured and then decapitated; wasn`t it enough for Peter to be crucified upside down; wasn`t it enough for Mark to be dragged by the horses through the streets until he was dead; wasn`t it enough for James to be beheaded; wasn`t it enough for Thomas to be speared; wasn`t it enough for Bartholomew to be whipped to death? The list goes on and on as the first day Christians suffered martyrdom for the name of Jesus and as Jesus did Himself on the cross.

How much is enough to endure I kept asking myself as I was weeping on the floor begging God to show mercy and to expedite His victory after my husband picked up my daughter for another week. In addition to that I kept getting bombarded with doubts from the mediator where we went for the court appointed session to discuss custody and family assets, and later from my own attorney who stated that since my current custody order has been in place for a few months it is a very slim chance I stand for the upcoming temporary hearing to change my current custody order to get full custody of my daughter.

This was a very hard blow to take, and I knew that Satan is right here tries to undermine the work of God and my dependence on His word. But given my endless waiting period, I just collapsed after hearing that regardless of how much God shows me the adverse outcome. I can`t bear thinking about another court date without any specific change in my favor because last month it started to get harder and harder to bear this exhausting separation with my daughter especially seeing her crying and not wanting to go with my husband.

What made it worse was when my husband gave me the box of his discovery documents to pass on to my attorney instead of delivering them to her himself, and as I started to read his answers, I got sick to my stomach seeing all the slanderous lies  he listed there. He discussed our problems with every single member of his family, almost every single friend of his, and almost all of them are non-believers.

I started to pray really hard and searching for the scriptures in the back of my head to remind me of how much God is just, and how much He is faithful regardless of how impossible the situation is. The truth is, if to view my circumstances from the world`s perspective, there is no reason as to why my husband shouldn`t get a shared custody. I am facing a “Golliath” battle, or just like the king Hezekiah who was weak and unable to resist the Assyrian king, but in all those instances God preserved the hand of the righteous regardless of how impossible the situations seemed.

How much is enough for me to take of these horrible, horrible trials? Job lost it all, and he didn`t care if he lost his life because he knew that everything belongs to God. God blessed him in the end for his patience and persistence staying faithful and obedient to God`s character. Right after Paul watched the stoning of Stephen, on the way to Damascus Jesus blinded Paul and got him saved. It wasn`t until that sacrifice that Stephen endured to make every attempt possible to save a single soul, that Paul got saved.

Big sacrifices produce big fruits. I laid down a big sacrifice, and I`m praying for God to finish what He started. I want to be able to testify of His glory and faithfulness on this blog, among my church and among my friends to show that it`s never enough until it`s finished.

Every single costly sacrifice that`s been paid by each apostle, or martyr in the name of Jesus paid back by spreading the gospel around the world. Was it worth it? Yes, it was worth it because now, I, as a sinner have this opportunity to know God face to face. If it wasn`t for their lives, and would they have said: “It`s enough”, I wouldn`t have had this opportunity today to share God`s mercy, His grace, and His faithfulness.

So I choose to remind myself not to look at what I see now, but to look at God`s character instead reminding myself that He is faithful, He is true, He is going to finish what He started for His own glory.

I like the way Max Lucado wrote in his book called God's story, your story : when His becomes yours, where he said that although we can weigh on the scale our afflictions, God`s glory on the other side of the weight scale would always outweigh our trials, and I choose to believe that.

I ask the Lord to grant me His patience, His wisdom, His love for unlovable, His mercy, His grace, His self-control, so I could stay to the end and testify that it`s not enough until He finished what He started.

The crucial scripture that I rely on when I pray for the upcoming hearing is in Isaiah 54:14-17 (NKJV):

¹⁴ In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you. ¹⁵ Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me. Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake. ¹⁶ “Behold, I have created the blacksmith who blows the coals in the fire, who brings forth an instrument for his work; and I have created the spoiler to destroy. ¹⁷ No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me,” says the Lord.

I believe that every weapon that`s being created against me to testify in court and created with the purpose to oppress me and to destroy me, would be defeated by God`s mighty hand. This is His promise to His children, to His servants (literally means “slaves” in translation).

I will do what Jesus did, David, king Hezekiah, queen Esther, and others: I will spread all my concerns, fears, and afflictions before the Lord, and I will pray and fast, so He could show His result.

Please continue to pray for me, so God sustains me and my daughter in these horrible trials and expedites His victory.

 

Finding Balance

Luke 22:66-71 (NIV)


⁶⁶ At daybreak the council of the elders of the people, both the chief priests and the teachers of the law, met together, and Jesus was led before them. ⁶⁷ “If you are the Messiah,” they said, “tell us.”
Jesus answered, “If I tell you, you will not believe me, ⁶⁸ and if I asked you, you would not answer. ⁶⁹ But from now on, the Son of Man will be seated at the right hand of the mighty God.” ⁷⁰ They all asked, “Are you then the Son of God?” He replied, “You say that I am.” ⁷¹ Then they said, “Why do we need any more testimony? We have heard it from his own lips.”

John 18:33-38 (NIV)

³³ Pilate then went back inside the palace, summoned Jesus and asked him, “Are you the king of the Jews?” ³⁴ “Is that your own idea,” Jesus asked, “or did others talk to you about me?” ³⁵ “Am I a Jew?” Pilate replied. “Your own people and chief priests handed you over to me. What is it you have done?” ³⁶ Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jewish leaders. But now my kingdom is from another place.” ³⁷ “You are a king, then!” said Pilate. Jesus answered, “You say that I am a king. In fact, the reason I was born and came into the world is to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me.” ³⁸ “What is truth?” retorted Pilate. With this he went out again to the Jews gathered there and said, “I find no basis for a charge against him.

Matthew 27:11-14 (NIV)

¹¹ Meanwhile Jesus stood before the governor, and the governor asked him, “Are you the king of the Jews?” “You have said so,” Jesus replied. ¹² When he was accused by the chief priests and the elders, he gave no answer. ¹³ Then Pilate asked him, “Don’t you hear the testimony they are bringing against you?” ¹⁴ But Jesus made no reply, not even to a single charge—to the great amazement of the governor.

Mark 15:1-5 (NIV)

Very early in the morning, the chief priests, with the elders, the teachers of the law and the whole Sanhedrin, made their plans. So they bound Jesus, led him away and handed him over to Pilate. ² “Are you the king of the Jews?” asked Pilate. “You have said so,” Jesus replied. ³ The chief priests accused him of many things. ⁴ So again Pilate asked him, “Aren’t you going to answer? See how many things they are accusing you of.” ⁵ But Jesus still made no reply, and Pilate was amazed.

I find it amazing to see the example of Jesus being so humble and lowly throughout His ministry, yet always affirming the truth in the right manner and style. Jesus had that balance and knew how to reprove, yet to be humble and lowly.

I thought it was important to post all four accounts of Jesus` trial depicted in each one of the Gospels to see that consistency in His behavior. Although all four authors of the gospels had their own style in writing and side of the story, the Bible doesn`t contradict the character of God; we still see that lowliness and firmness in God`s character.

This is something I struggle with a great deal- finding balance when expressing reprove or the truth. It makes it especially tough for me to do that when dealing with my marital issues. I have this constant battle in my head where one part of me wants to shred my husband to pieces and annihilate him with words for all the evil he`s done, and the other part of me seeks to be like Jesus and show humbleness and lowliness, so not to boast and try to prove me right or to show my side of the story. Obviously it`s the flesh and the spirit that battle, which is something that we, as Christians, face every day, and every single time we have a choice to make which side to take: flesh or the Spirit.

Last Sunday me and my husband started a 3 months counseling schedule with the pastor from the neutral Calvary church in our area that I mentioned would start in May. It`s a fairly far drive for both of us from where we live now, and since I had my daughter with me this week, I didn`t want to waste any time with her on doing this counseling. So finally I came to peace with myself that I committed to trust the Lord and to use this time to start the process of reconciliation, and I drove off for the service. I didn`t expect to feel so much pride and animosity for my husband when we started going through few scriptures as a  ground rules (the scriptures are as following: Romans 12:3; Philippians 2:1-4; 2 Corinthians 10:1-5; Philippians 4:8-9).

When I saw those scriptures, everything dropped in me because I knew that God was speaking directly to my heart- to stop concentrating on myself and to commit to allow God to do His work, which I am preventing Him from doing by my own rebellion. Every one of those scriptures that I opened I rebelled inside and tried to raise my concerns to justify my actions; inside though I knew that I had no right to argue, but I should have been like Jesus, our Lord, who suffered the worst injustice for each one of us, so I had to bite my tongue and become humble and lowly. Things didn`t help that I didn`t get a chance to open up my Bible the day before, so I wasn`t spiritually prepared to fight that battle with my flesh, and I lost. I walked out that session defeated once again by my flesh and by my desire to prove me right. Stop it! I was screaming inside; when would I learn to put God ahead of my desires, and stop hindering His plan?

I knew all too well that by concentrating on my own misery and trying to prove my case, I am hindering the work of God, and I don`t allow Him room to move. Was I not convicted of that not so long ago, yet I forgot all about that. God had to remind me that Jesus was quiet and He didn`t say anything when He was accused unjustly because He knew better than that that God will lead His truth out; however, it would be at the right time and at the right place.

I had to take a step back and make myself think about this scripture in Philippians 4:8-9 (NIV)

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I had nothing pure, noble, right, lovely, or admirable in me when arguing trying to prove my point. Even if I`m right, and even if what I meant to say was true, the way I got it across was arrogant and prideful because I was rebelling inside out when going through these scriptures. I couldn`t even look at my husband during the session especially when I saw him having Internet on his cell phone assuming the worst immediately in my head that he was probably indulging himself in all sorts of dirty things to gratify himself. I was not justified to think that because those are the types of lies Satan loves to sow in one`s head to produce rebellion against God`s word and against God`s will.

Was it not so long ago that I committed to do whatever it took to bring my husband back to the Lord, than why on earth when finally he volunteered to set up the counseling on my terms I act so capriciously? I know God had to shake me up and send me straight to His word to show me Jesus` example of behavior even during the times when He was justified to defend Himself at trial. Jesus knows how hard it is to deal with flesh especially when something so severe and damaged occurs as in my circumstances, but He also knows that our Father is bigger than that, and it`s far more rewarding to do His will rather than seeking our own.

I could wallow in self-pity, and I would be justified by the world to divorce my husband for everything he`s done, but I also know that if I chose to obey the Lord and allow Him room to do what`s necessary, in the end it would be more rewarding.

That`s why I have to make a pact with myself to bite my tongue and to keep quite just like Jesus did, just like kind Hezekiah did (Isaiah 36-37) because God would preserve the truth and reward those who are lowly. I`ve seen it happen before in my life, and I know that it always works. I just need to remember that balance to be lowly and humble, yet stand up for His truth. We see that Jesus wasn`t afraid to say the truth, but the way He said it sent Pilate back in his chambers in wonder because he couldn`t find any fault in Jesus. That`s how I need to be: although I stand for the truth and should speak it, I need to say it in such a manner that those who listen would be in wonder that things I`m accused of are unsubstantiated by the facts.

If you think that you recognize similar problems like I have, please know that God is able to give us strength and wisdom if only we seek Him first. It is crucial to dwell in His word and to fill one`s heart with His scriptures because during the battles with flesh, we need to know how to counter attack our enemy (Satan), and the scripture is one of the main weapons that we have.

Please continue to pray for me, so God gives me strength to allow Him to finish what He started in me, in my husband, in my family. Our kingdom is not of this world, just like Jesus said it, so why bother worrying what others would think of me looking so foolish by making myself lowly and humble instead of attempting to avenge myself.

Colossians 3:1-4 (NIV)

3 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³ For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is your^[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

I want to dwell on things that are above rather than on earthly things which only demolish any hope and faith. I know that God can and will do the impossible.

"For We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight"

2 Corinthians 5:7 (NKJV)

⁷ For we walk by faith, not by sight.

This is something God yet again had to remind me today-- that I have to walk by faith and not by sight because visible is deceiving, but invisible gives hope. I have no doubt at this point in my life that everything works together for good to those who love God (Romans 8:28), and He is faithful to those who seek His truth.

One of the things that jumped at me when reading the devotional by Oswald Chambers is what he said:

If we continually try to bring back those exceptional moments of inspiration, it is a sign that it is not God we want. We are becoming obsessed with the moments when God did come and speak with us, and we are insisting that He do it again. But what God wants us to do is to “walk by faith.” How many of us have set ourselves aside as if to say, “I cannot do anything else until God appears to me”? He will never do it. We will have to get up on our own, without any inspiration and without any sudden touch from God. Then comes our surprise and we find ourselves exclaiming, “Why, He was there all the time, and I never knew it!” Never live for those exceptional moments— they are surprises. God will give us His touches of inspiration only when He sees that we are not in danger of being led away by them. We must never consider our moments of inspiration as the standard way of life— our work is our standard.

It is a very hard thing to do- walking by faith because it requires a complete surrender to God. On the week that my daughter is with my husband, and I don`t get to see her, I go out of my mind, and the only thing I can do is trust the Lord- walk by faith and not by sight. I cannot control the visible circumstances or rely on them because that`s not the final outcome.

If I relied on what I see, I couldn`t have hope and faith in God to produce the ultimate result to show His faithfulness. If I concentrated solely on what I see, I could only get more stressed of the unknown outcome for my upcoming court`s decision, my reconciliation with my husband, my restoration of the family, my husband`s repentance, my husband`s change, my change—all these things I couldn`t even think of as a possibility if I only walked by my sight.

It is by the choice that we can make the decision to trust the Lord, to trust that He works everything for the better, that He is faithful, that He is good, and He is the shelter to those who seek Him and trust in Him.

Oswald Chambers brought up a very important point: seeking special moments, and this is something that I truly love when I can hear God`s voice, His guidance, but then there are days of silence when I just have to trust that He is with me, and His hand continues to guide me and protect me. It is very easy to get addicted waiting for those “special moments” and never do anything else. Some days I feel lonely, and some days I feel empty, and it`s only by walking by faith and not by sight that I know that God`s goodness continues to wrap around me and my daughter.

In the 2 Chronicles 24:10-12 (NIV) there is a very interesting scripture as to how God preserved His word and promise to sustain David`s reign:

¹⁰When Athaliah the mother of Ahaziah saw that her son was dead, she proceeded to destroy the whole royal family of the house of Judah.¹¹ But Jehosheba,^[e] the daughter of King Jehoram, took Joash son of Ahaziah and stole him away from among the royal princes who were about to be murdered and put him and his nurse in a bedroom. Because Jehosheba,^[f] the daughter of King Jehoram and wife of the priest Jehoiada, was Ahaziah’s sister, she hid the child from Athaliah so she could not kill him. ¹² He remained hidden with them at the temple of God for six years while Athaliah ruled the land.

Athaliah was the only Queen to rule in Judah, and she was a really wretched and wicked woman. She ordered her entire family to be slaughtered: her sons and grandchildren, so she could reign. So we see that Jehosheba took Joash (who was a newborn at the time) and hid him at the God`s temple, where she knew Athaliah would never set her foot since she was a pagan worshiper. Joash was the last err in the line of David, and although to the nation it looked like God failed, He didn`t. God preserved the line of David by hiding Joash for six years to sustain David`s line to own the kingdom, and at the end of the sixth year, the priests anointed Joash to be the king and killed Athaliah (if you read the next chapter over).

This is just another scripture to show that we cannot walk by sight but by faith trusting that Lord is faithful, and He will never fail His word. The whole nation was depressed that the promised Messiah, who was supposed to come out of the David`s line, was destroyed. None knew of Joash`s survival other than Jehosheba, who hid him and the priests.

It is crucial for us to remember that we cannot trust what we see and concentrate only on the current, but we have to test it against God`s word. Do my circumstances check against what God promised to those who love Him and seek His faith- no they do not check. I trust the Lord would bring all things together for good to bring His glory, and my current circumstances do not check against that, so I will believe against them. I will believe that although I don`t see the ultimate victory yet, it is to come soon.

I choose to put my trust in the Lord and not what I see. I keep reminding myself of the king Hezekiah who was silent himself and ordered everyone else to be silent when hearing the threats of defeat from the Assyrian men. Instead of looking at his current circumstances of defeat, he chose to trust in the Lord and walk by faith rather than by sight; he went to the temple and laid out all the threats in front of the Lord asking for His guidance and His victory. In the end God was faithful and He preserved Judah from the defeat and from the hand of the mighty and famouse at the time Assyrian king.

¹⁶ “Do not listen to Hezekiah. This is what the king of Assyria says: Make peace with me and come out to me. Then each of you will eat fruit from your own vine and fig tree and drink water from your own cistern, ¹⁷ until I come and take you to a land like your own —a land of grain and new wine, a land of bread and vineyards.¹⁸“Do not let Hezekiah mislead you when he says,‘The Lordwill deliver us.’ Have the gods of any nations ever delivered their lands from the hand of the king of Assyria? ¹⁹ Where are the gods of Hamath and Arpad? Where are the gods of Sepharvaim? Have they rescued Samaria from my hand? ²⁰ Who of all the gods of these countries have been able to save their lands from me? How then can the Lord deliver Jerusalem from my hand?” ²¹ But the people remained silent and said nothing in reply, because the king had commanded, “Do not answer him.” ²²Then Eliakim son of Hilkiah the palace administrator, Shebna the secretary and Joah son of Asaph the recorder went to Hezekiah, with their clothes torn, and told him what the field commander had said. (Isaiah 36:16-22 NIV)

This is what I pray about when hearing all these threats of defeat from Satan- ignore them and hold my tongue from replying regardless of how tempting it may be to prove myself right. All Hezekiah did was keeping silent, going to the Lord, and walking by his faith and not by sight.

These four main components I try to engrave in my heart to always do first before I provide any other reaction to my circumstances:

-     -  Ignore the threats of defeat which Satan loves to provide one way or another

-      - Hold my tongue from making any hasty comments or decisions

-      - Going to the Lord to seek His will

-      - Walking by faith and not by sight

It is very hard to do, yet this is exactly what Jesus did when He was about to be crucified: He didn`t accept His defeat because He knew the ultimate plan was to show God`s victory- to provide the only way of Salvation; He kept silent when Pilate and others attempted to make Him speak to prove “non-guilty” at the court; He went to the Lord at the Garden of Gethsemane when He prayed for strength seeking Father`s will; Jesus walked by faith and not by sight knowing his Father face to face and knowing the current circumstances did not check against God`s word.

It requires the ultimate surrender, humbleness, and knowledge of the God`s character- all of which could only be appreciated through the personal relationships with our God. I came to the point of complete surrender regardless of how hard some days it is for me to seek my own justice; I made a decision to walk by faith and not by sight because I know that God is faithful, and He is true. He will provide His justice if only I would seek His will rather than my own will or wait for those “special moments” – emotional experiences which are misguiding at times.

I urge you to check everything against God`s word and if in doubt, go and search His word. I trained myself to do that, and it helps me to eliminate some costly mistakes or repent quickly enough before I harden my heart to the Holy Spirit`s conviction.