Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Double-Minded Person

I was exhausted after the court on Friday and all the anticipation that I went through to have it finally behind my back. I am praising the Lord that once again He showed me that whatever He promissed He will Deliver! On Friday I had a huge victory of both of my and my husbands` cases dropped, and from now on it`s all about custody battle.

As I was reading my bible and devotionals that day, God showed me this scripture in Luke, and it helped me to re-focus my attention back to the interceding battle for my husband`s salvation and rebuilding of my family.


Luke 9:61-62 (NIV)

61 Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
62 Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

Last week I received a letter from my domestic attorney with the copy of the answers filed by my husband`s attorney to my request for costody and legal separation. When I saw my husband denying his pornography addiction, strip clubs, his violent outbreaks, and other things he`s done to me, along with the reiterated request for financial support from me, it only hurt me all over again. It`s a searing pain that`s impossible to get rid of if I only concentrated on the physical circumstances. That`s why Jesus was so adamant about leaving the circumstances and moving on to serve Him. As soon as I give even a slight hint of remembrance of everything that I went through in the past year and a half and particularly in the past four months, it brings unbearable pain and prevents me from concentrating on what God`s will is for my life and for my family. That`s why God showed me this scripture again that if I am committed to "put my hand to the plow", I can only look forward to what He will do through me and through my committment. I don`t know anyone who have failed when relying on God. It is our promise from Him that when we are that committed to "plow" for Him, He would supply us with enough strength and endurance to get through whatever circumstances that come our way.

Jesus said it very harshly and plainly that whoever wants to plow for God, cannot look back and dwell in the past because it caps off the possibility to think straight. If I only dwelled on the things of the past when I found out about all the betrayal, and lies from my husband, or even from four months ago when my husband took away my keys and was blocking my entrances out of the house preventing me to leave with my daughter, I could only dwell in bitterness and anger and hatered towards him. Instead, I committed that I will continue to pray for him and see him through God`s eyes, as a lost sheep who is blinded and binded by the sin preventing him to see the facts straight, and I chose to continue to plow and to be fit because I know that it`s the only attitude that produces results. It`s a tough going, and it`s a battle taking captive my thoughts to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) on a daily basis not to give up that fort to get angry or emotional. I don`t always win, but I get better at it.

James said that:

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. (James 1:2-8 NIV) 

This is the struggle that I face: not to be a double-minded person or to doubt that whatever God started, He would finish because He is faithful. I have endless amounts of trials, and in all of them God has delivered me out of the hand of my enemies so long, as I continued to rely on Him and stay obedient.

I had to pledge myself all over again that what I do is not for myself, but for God, and He will support me to persevere to the end to win my husband back to the Lord and to rebuild my fmaily on His foundation from scratch.

I urge you today that if you think you have problems and you are having hard time moving forward, please consider what Jesus said: that we are unfil to serve God`s purpose if we dwell on the past because it`s impossible to do both: keeping hands on the plow and look back at the same time. The result would be either unplowed field or the rows would be crooked and the subsequent stages prior to harvest delayed.

Plowing is preparing soil for sawing seeds to bring forth harvest. Plowing is the hardest and tedious of the agricultural jobs, and without technology it requred a lot of physical strength and stamina. I am in the plowing stage right now where I am removing all the stones, pebbles, hardened soil, and all sorts of garbage preparing for God to come in and to work with my husband`s heart in order for Him to sow His seeds to bring forth hearvest. I don`t know yet how much longer it would take, but I know that whatever God started, He will finish. I urge you to look forward if you committed to plow for Him, so God could use you and find you fit for His purpose.
 

Friday, February 17, 2012

Broom Bush

1 Kings 19:1-9 (NIV)

1 Now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword.
2 So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, “May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them.”
3 Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there,
4 while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”
5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.
All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.”
6 He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.
7 The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.”
8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.
9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.

Whoever thinks that we, as Christians or ministers, have to be maid of iron.... When I read this story of Elijah, I see myself face to face asking God just to take my life because I am tired of all these people who are wishing me harm, who hate me, who are seeking to destroy me further including my husband. It is exhausting to fight this battle on a daily and hourly basis and continue to serve the Lord with whole heart. Sometimes, like Elijah, I just want to sit under the Broom Bush and seek death.

I think it`s amazing to see these principles that God encouraged me with through this scripture:

- Regardless of the degree/importance in ministry, we are humans and we are all made of flesh and bones; we are susceptible to weaken, to collapse, and to seek support. It is important to note that regardless of how depressed Elijah was, he still went to God and poured his heart out to Him letting God know how he really felt-- that he wanted to die, that he was hopeless although he just witnessed the most amazing miracle by God. It is important to realize that it`s not a crime to come to the Lord with negative thoughts or wrong thoughts because this is what a true relationship between friends is all about- when we are able to say everything we want and feel, and we know that we are not going to be judged. We are not saying those things to spite God or to mock Him, but to seek His help. This is exactly what Elijah did- he brought to God his heart`s concerns and fears, and God responded to him and strengthened him appropriately.

This is something that I learnt to do in the process of my trials, when I realised I could come to the Lord at any time with anything I feel because I know that He understands me and is capable to lead me into the right path if only I seek and choose to follow that. It brings the utmost closeness with the Lord like I never knew before despite all the pain and fears, and disappointments that I feel.

- Even after a strong service, Elijah collapsed although he experienced God`s mighty hand at it`s full blast after He devoured Elijah`s sacrifice and helped Elijah kill all those false priests (1 Kings 18:18-46). We tend to concentrate on our feelings and weaknesses rather than on God`s calling especially in circumstances when we`re persecuted the most.

I feel that weakness on a daily basis when I don`t have strength to go on anymore, and I just want to give up, but God`s hand always provides that support. It is so easy for us to think about ourselves rather than concentrate on the big picture and look into the future. I am just plainly scared to think about the future because it`s so unpredictable and unknown that I don`t want any false illusions, yet I know that all things work together for good to those who love God (Romans 8:28), and this is the promise that I stand on when I get this hopeless and feel like sleeping under the "Broom Bush".

- As humans we tend to fear, and we let fear drive us into the wrong direction from God`s plan. Elijah was seeking death under the Broom Bush because of that fear he had to Jezebel although God`s plan was completely different for him.

I face this fear of courts` decisions on a daily basis: what if I would lose custody, what if my record would not get expunged, what if I would loose my job, what if more bad things would happen to me, what if....

- When we collapse, God`s hand scoops us up and provides the necessary nourishment to get us going again just like with Elijah when he fell asleep under the Broom Bush hoping he would die, but instead God provided him with food and water, so he could replenish his strength to continue with God`s ministry.

This part just knocks me off my feet- to see this much of God`s love for us that regardless of how hurt, lonely, hopeless, depressed we are, God`s hand is always there to scoop us up and to pull us back together to continue with His work. He promised that He would never provide more trials than what we can endure, so this is just another promise that I stand on when I get too exhausted knowing that He provided me with that much resilience to sustain all these circumstances. What I hardhead I am! You may be laughing, but as I look at my life and everything that I went/go through, I know that if it wouldn`t be for God`s hand sustaining me, I was like Elijah seeking a Broom Bush many, many times.

- Yielding to the Lord or to continue by ourselves: Elijah had that choice whether to reject that nourishment from the Lord and to continue to wallow in self-pity and fear, or to chose to obey God, eat, replenish his strength, and follow through with the next directions God provided Elijah to do, and he selected the later.

Today is the Friday when my husband is supposed to pick up my daughter for his week with her, and this is the hardest day for me to let her go knowing that I wouldn`t see her for 7 days. This is the day when I have to tell myself that God is in control, and He is not going to put me through more than what I can endure. I have to choose whether to wallow in all my hurt, self-pity and be depressed, or to choose to continue to serve the Lord , to intercede, to to do my work, to wait upon the Lord.

God created us with free will, and He is never going to impose something against our own will. Elijah chose to eat, drink, to reinvest in his strength, so he could continue to minister the Lord regardless of how hard his time period as a prophet was. I have a choice to replenish myself with the word of God on a daily basis to make sure I sustain myself to keep me going, so I could see the victory in the end. I know God is faithful, and He is true, and He is going to bring all circumstances together for good.

It is normal for us to feel like Elijah felt when he asked for death, falling asleep under the Broom Bush (which is a toxic plant). This is just another example of the fact that God doesn`t use robots in His ministry, but He is using us- human beings, who tend to mess up, who tend to give up, who tend to be selfish rather than looking at God`s plan. I just need to remind myself that I need to make the right decision in the end to obey the Lord and to continue to follow Him regardless of how miserable my feelings are when I bring them to His feet; I know that He would only use my honesty to reveal the areas in my heart that need further work and changing.

This is where I pray like David was praying in Psalm 139:23 (NIV)

23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Sanctified To Be Set Apart

Leviticus 22:1-3 (NIV)

 1 The LORD said to Moses,
2 “Tell Aaron and his sons to treat with respect the sacred offerings the Israelites consecrate to me, so they will not profane my holy name. I am the LORD.
3 “Say to them: ‘For the generations to come, if any of your descendants is ceremonially unclean and yet comes near the sacred offerings that the Israelites consecrate to the LORD, that person must be cut off from my presence. I am the LORD.

Hebrews 7:25-27 (NIV)

 25 Therefore he is able to save completely[a] those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.
26 Such a high priest truly meets our need—one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens.
27 Unlike the other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices day after day, first for his own sins, and then for the sins of the people. He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself.

As I opened my morning`s devotionals for today, I was partially dreading reading Leviticus, but then when we pray and prepare our hearts to receive something from God, He uses the most uncommon scriptures for that or whatever He has available at hand. Today to me was available the book of Leviticus, and one of the things that God started to show me is the importance of sanctification and being set apart for Him, so He could use me.

Looking back to when Moses wrote out the law, we can clearly read what were God`s standards for the Israelites in bringing their offerings—they had to be perfect, without blame, and for the priests—to be "ceremonially clean". I think these same standards translate into our daily walk with God, except we don`t have priests anymore, but it is Jesus, Who was the sole Sacrifice without blame to stand for us, and now we have that responsibility when we come to God and when we consecrate our life to Him that our sacrifice has to be clean.

It is so easy for us to take advantage of what God offers, and in return bring our "Ceremonially unclean" offerings of our carnal living. God made it very clear that He would not tolerate that, and He did not change that standard in the New Testament.

Peter commands us as a truly believers:

13 Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming. 14 As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. 15 But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16 for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” (1 Peter 1:13-16 NIV)

God made it very clear that His standards for our living are to be set apart in His holiness to serve Him with our entire heart. Our body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), and we are not our own. Our Father bought us with a very costly price of Jesus` blood, and I better make sure I remind myself of that every day and stay mindful of that.

Oswald Chambers said:

When we pray, asking God to sanctify us, are we prepared to measure up to what that really means? We take the word sanctification much too lightly. Are we prepared to pay the cost of sanctification? The cost will be a deep restriction of all our earthly concerns, and an extensive cultivation of all our godly concerns. Sanctification means to be intensely focused on God’s point of view. It means to secure and to keep all the strength of our body, soul, and spirit for God’s purpose alone. Are we really prepared for God to perform in us everything for which He separated us? And after He has done His work, are we then prepared to separate ourselves to God just as Jesus did? “For them I sanctify Myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. ” (John 17:19 NIV).

As I was praying and worshiping God on a way to work today, He showed me the meaning of all the comotion that He is trying to teach me right now: let go of everyone and letting Him step up instead and care for them (everyone in my family).

I spend a lot of time on the road in traffic, and I have a lot of time to pray and intercede throughout the day, and as I was praying yesterday for my husband, I started to think of all the bad things that could possibly happen to him as an outcome of our current court proceedings because of all the evidence that I have against him where he incriminated himself in all the counts of his violent, profane, and sinful behavior through his own confessions, and I wouldn`t even have to testify against him in order to convict him in things that he`s done to me and in order to gain full custody of our daughter; his own words would do serve justice. As I was thinking about all these horrible things that could happen, God showed me to stop trying to protect everyone like I`ve been doing throughout my life: be that my sister, my mom, my husband, my daughter, my aunt, my cousin, but just to let them go and let God protect them. Lord showed me that even if my husband had to be taken to the place where he was homeless, without food (like the prodigal son in Luke 15 where he had to eat with the pigs before his mind cleared up and he realized that only if he went to his Father and repented, maybe his Father would allow him to work for him and even that would be better than eating with the pigs).

I had to let go of my motherly protection of everyone because as women, we have this motherly instinct that kicks in whenever we see someone in need, and that`s how I lived my whole life: I would try to protect everyone I see in need in my family, and God really had to stand me on the sidelines and show me that I`m only hindering His work by doing what I`m doing. I had to restrict my "earthly concerns" and rely completely on God, but I could only do that when I brought myself to this place of full surrender and trust in Him.

Be encouraged that if there is any area in your life, in relationships, that you`re holding dear, give it up to God, and you will see that His fullness and greatness superceedes anything that you could ever do yourself. It took God to corner me in my current circumstances in order for me to see the whole reason behind of what I`m going through and to accept the fact that it is God`s hand on everyone and everything, and He is much better of taking care of things than I could ever be. I had to give up my relatives, my mom, my daughter, my husband, even my freedom in order to give God enough room to move and to produce necessary results for His glory. I encourage you to do the same: set yourself apart for His sanctification by surrendering your life completely to Him if you have not done so yet, and pledge to live your life as holy as you can for His glory!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Seeing The "New Creation" Through God`s Eyes

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

As I continue to pray for my husband and for my family, I am faced with this question: could I really let go of all this past (currently present) if my husband truly repented and came to the Lord? As a daughter in Christ, just like God forgave me all my past, I have no choice but to forgive my husband. This is an amazing promise that we have from Jesus that once we accept Him in our heart, He completely blots out the past sins, and we become a New Creation. I am so grateful for this promise!

Nevertheless, it doesn`t make it any easier for me to think of my current circumstances and envision that one day things that I`m praying for would come to pass and my husband would repent, come to the Lord in his brokenness, my daughter would be raised in the truly Godly family, and we would be a family serving the Lord for the rest of our days. This sounds like fairy tale to me right now, but I know that God is Mighty enough to do all this and even more. The question that remains with me is: would I be capable to accept my husband`s repentance and see him as the New Creation in Christ just like God sees me and would see him? It`s excruciatingly painful for me to think about that especially because of all the raw pain that I have, but I am commanded by God to forgive and to transform the past- to make it transparent completely, dissolved with old sins. I have no right to refer to the past once it`s repented of because if God doesn`t see me in my dirty clothes, than how much more compelling should it be for me to appreciate everything that He`s done for me and my husband and treat the others the same way.

This is the highest calling that we can experience and produce in our lives: to forgive those who did us so much wrong, to love those who persecute us, hate us, humiliate us, ready and willing to take us apart. This is where the struggle with pride comes into play. I struggle with it on a daily basis, or on a days when I try to envision reconciliation, or any attractive woman that goes by and I think immediately about my husband and his potential response to that. This is where Satan is a master to lie to us and to keep our focus on our flesh killing what`s spiritual, what`s edifying.

5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed (1 Peter 1:5-7 NIV)

I battle that every day, and as long as I choose to think of what`s good, what is right in the eyes of the Lord, and I surrender my heart to God every day, it helps me to keep my focus and anchor on hope, love, faith, and knowledge of Who God really is. He promised us trials and tribulations in this world because Satan is in control of this world, but He conquered it already, and so long as we know it and wake up to live that victory out, it would help us to get through all these hardships.

33 “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NIV)

In a way I am grateful for what I`m going through because I get to test the reality of God`s promises and His word firsthand. As soon as I start having doubts whether God would fight for my custody battle in the upcoming appeals, I pray to take my thoughts captive in obedience to Jesus, and I voluntarily surrender them to God (2 Corinthians 10:5).

The one main principle I learnt in these trials is I have a choice always as to what to do with my thoughts:

- I can either keep everything inside and bottle it down deeper and deeper until it would burst in a fight or some other manner

- I can take it out on someone/something whenever I get a chance to defuse my "fire"

- Or I CAN Bring it to the Lord`s feet and tell Him everything I feel regardless of whether it`s right or wrong; what is in my heart in that particular moment.

Once I started doing the THIRD CHOICE, things started to change for me in my thinking. I gained peace and deeper faith, my relationships with my Father became more personal because I don`t come to Him only when I mess up or need help, but I come to Him with all my feelings; I trust them to Him completely. He is my best Counsel in any circumstances, and He would use whatever means necessary to give you the Best Counsel He has in store for you just like He does with me.

If you have someone who repented and became New Creation in Christ, don`t turn them away by your attitude of seeing them as Old Creation because that`s not how God sees us. Our Father sent His only Son, Jesus, only so that those of us who truly believe in Jesus and His shed blood on the cross, would become New Creation and would have that chance to start afresh new life with our Lord. If I was given that chance, than there is all the more reasons for me to treasure those who hearken to Him just like I did.
 

Friday, February 3, 2012

God Is Using Ordinary To Do The Extraordinary

James 5:17-20 (NIV)

17 Elijah was a human being, even as we are. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years.
18 Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.
19 My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back,
20 remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.

This word really encourages me every time I read the letter by James. Isn`t it a wonderful consolation for us to know that God is capable to use us-mortals for His purposes and glory if only we are willing. Last week as I was praying and thinking about my marriage, I realized that if I committed to stick by my vows that I gave to my husband and started to really pray for him unceasingly interceding, God would perform the impossible.

I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to drop the ball and quit because I get so drained and exhausted with my circumstances, but I also know that it would defeat the whole purpose of what God placed in my life. He is teaching me the significance and a power of prayer. It is true that God doesn`t use something extraordinary because it would take away from His glory otherwise. He used ordinary people like David, Elijah, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Daniel, etc. The count is endless, but it is their hearts that were willing to serve the Lord that made the difference, and their discipline to be obedient to His word.

I continue to remind myself of this scripture James 5:16 (NIV):

16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

I can accomplish much with my prayers so long as I stay righteous, and I can do that by claiming His grace every day and do my best to follow His word. There is nothing we can do by ourselves if we don`t claim the blood of Jesus to blot out our sins, and I pray every day to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit to show me whatever I do wrong. It took me awhile to commit to praying and to really start believing that it works.

For some reason it is so easy to get hooked on calling famous people, asking them to pray for you as if your own prayers woun`t work. I had to reject all that and really start to building my prayer life. Not that asking for prayers is unnecessary, on the contrary, the more people are interceding for you the better, but I am talking about the way we place our trust and in whom when we ask for prayers. I cannot even tell you the kind of peace I experience when I come to His presence and know that I have a right to be there, and that God is always there to listen to me and to uphold me when I`m weak.

Don`t doubt for a second that your prayers wouldn`t work because as long as you guard your heart and keep it in the right perspective with God, He will use you just like He`s been using Elijah. I know that all my prayers are directed right now on interceding for my husband and our family because I know that if I would continue to pray for him, God would use me to bring him back and soften his heart.

I always remind myself of this scripture that God told Ezekiel 22:30 (NIV):

30 “I looked for someone among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found no one.

I don`t ever want to hear God tell me that I wish I could find someone to stand before me in the gap for your husband, but I found no one. I am standing in that gap for my husband, for my family, for my marriage, so God would not destroy him. It takes a lot of sacrifice on my part, and it took me months to bring myself to this place of complete surrender and brokenness to realize that everything I have belongs to God, and as much as He gave me all these blessings, He can take them away. Once I stopped dwelling on the horizontal level, the task form the Vertical seemed more important and achievable.

I encourage you to be willing to stand in the "gap" for whatever circumstances you may have in your life, so that God could use you to bring someone back, and those sinners would rejoice, and our Lord God would bless you to no end because He is faithful to His word. Please continue to pray for my husband and for whoever you know who needs that nudge to come back to the Lord, and God will use you just like He used Elijah!