So What Now?

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

God is impossible; He is impossible to understand or for me to argue with Him because I would never find out a full picture or reasons for what`s happening in my life until I see Him face to face and would be able to ask all my questions.

This is the main scripture that I can cling to when I am so down and worn out from not understanding what God is doing. The question is: “Can I still be “humble in heart”, or will I continue to rebel against God`s decision for my Monday`s temporary hearing`s outcome? I find it extremely hard to stay humble in my heart, like Jesus was when taken for His trial and death sentence”, and I can only cry to God: “Why? When will this horror end in my life? How much more do I need to suffer before some major breakthrough will take place in my favor?”

As I mentioned before, I had a temporary hearing scheduled for Monday, the 18-th where issues like child support, change in custody (which to shift status quo was near to impossible with the judge that I got), attorney`s fees had to be decided. All I got was child support, and nothing else was changed or decided, so custody stayed as it is right now (status quo didn`t change), and attorney`s fees weren`t decided by the judge but were left to decide at my final two day trial which would most likely be scheduled for the fall.

As I walked out of the court room, I knew that my husband was very mad for having to pay me child support now, and I was mad that I didn`t get the full custody of my daughter, so it stayed joined for now. I couldn`t even concentrate on any scriptures to keep me going because I was so broken down by the outcome of this hearing. After 8 months of endless waiting, nothing got changed still regarding custody, and all I can ask God is “Why?” What do I do now and how can I testify of His goodness when I am hit with endless amount of trials and more trials and more torture.

I should be grateful to God that the judge ruled in my favor, given that during these temporary hearings only status quo maintains, so getting child support appointed to me was a shift in my favor, but the money would not equal for me to what it meant to get custody, so my daughter doesn`t have to go through these horrible separation weeks. Step by step, God is turning situation in my favor, but it takes too long, and I find myself more than weary right now. I find myself incapacitated spiritually to even open the scriptures.

One of the main scriptures that I read before my hearing was in John 11:

⁴ When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” ⁵ Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. ⁶ So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days, ⁷ and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.” ⁸ “But Rabbi,” they said, “a short while ago the Jews there tried to stone you, and yet you are going back?” (Verses 4-8 NIV)

There are few important points that God showed me here:

- God used the sickness of Lazarus to bring out His glory, and that`s why God allows some tormenting circumstances in our lives- it`s to bring out His glory.

- Jesus loved His friends: Lazarus, Martha, and Maria, who were three different characters and relationships with God, yet despite the fact that Maria is shown in the scripture as the most devoted one, it says here that Jesus loved all three of them equally. This is God`s character- He doesn`t take sides or preferences, but He loves all of us equally.

- Jesus knew the right time when to head back for help, so only God knows when it is exactly I need His assistance. He does allow us sometimes to “gulp some water”, so we appreciate it when He doesn`t allow us to drown and saves us; otherwise, we tend to be too stubborn to accept His hand. Only God knows when it is the right time to scoop me up and save me from drowning. His timing is usually not the same as what I would think would be the right time.

- Jesus went back to Judea despite the fact that it was dangerous for His life, as we see His disciples pointing out to Him that not so long ago He almost got stoned. I had to go for one more hearing on Monday and return to that “Judea” where I almost “got stoned” in my previous hearings although God sustained me and preserved my life. This is called trusting God and obeying His will.

After re-reading these verses, I feel like I`m preaching to myself more than to anyone else because I realize despite the outcome on the temporary hearing, although I didn`t get what I wanted, but God showed me His favor and He gave me what He thinks I need for now in order to make some upcoming changes to my circumstances.

On a third day after the hearing, now I can rationalize it a little better and realize that although I didn`t get what I wanted, but only God knew on Monday what I needed to get in order to make the shift in my circumstances. If that meant that I only get child support, than that`s what I needed to get, and I got it.

This is the time when I come to God, and I say the same thing Job said:

Then Job answered the Lord and said: ² “I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You. ³ You asked, ‘Who is this who hides counsel without knowledge? ’Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. ⁴ Listen, please, and let me speak; You said, ‘I will question you, and you shall answer Me.’ ⁵ “I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You. ⁶ Therefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:1-6 NKJV)

I can only tell God that He can do everything, and only He knows what`s going on because I only can see the particles of the physical circumstances, and I don`t see the spiritual battles that take place at the same time. I do realize that given the kind of a judge I had on Monday, what I got was a miracle at all that he ruled on my favor, yet I am weary from waiting for any major change in custody, in my relationships with my husband, and God bringing out the truth because my husband was lying on the stand to make himself look better.

I do struggle with what`s going to be next because my finances have limits for my attorney, and I don`t have enough to last me until the final hearing, but God knows it all. It doesn`t matter how much I cry, it doesn`t matter what I feel, God will not change His plans only because I don`t understand something right now. That`s why I can only come to Jesus and ask Him to take my yoke and burdens from me because I am very, very weary right now.

Please continue to pray for me for God to give me strength to keep going and to resist the temptation of turning my ways back and becoming a backslider loosing hope that God would deliver me. I`m praying for God`s peace and direction as to what to do next.